The Elephant in the Room | Personal

Deep breath…so here is goes. This is a very personal post for me, one that has been weighing on my heart and mind for awhile. For those of you how don’t know me very well or have met me in the last 3 years probably don’t know this, but I have a sister. Close friends and family of course know this, but we don’t talk about her much. Hence the title, The Elephant in the Room! You are probably wondering what in the world, or what happened to her. As far as we know, she is fine. My sister hasn’t talked to our family in over 3 years now. I have received a Christmas card a couple of times and she sent a few gifts and cards when I was expecting Steven. Other than that nothing. No call, no e-mail, not even friends on facebook.
My sister and I were best friends growing up. We are 2 1/2 years apart and growing up in the country without a lot of other options, we were playmates and pretty much inseparable. Now don’t get me wrong, we fought. Lord we fought like cats and dogs sometimes, but we always made up quick. You had to if you wanted someone to play with. Even throughout high school and into college we were close. We both danced, cheered and even joined the same sorority at ODU. I never dreamed of a life without her. But here I am.
It started after Mike and I got married in 2006. Shortly after my sister became anorexic, but would never admit that she had this disease. She dropped down to about 100lbs. It was a very scary time. We were constantly on eggshells because we couldn’t bring it up to her or she would freak out. But we were scared. Scared she would die. Of what was going on with her. During this time she met the man that is now her husband. He never knew my sister before, when she was healthy, and was made to believe by her that this was her normal. He didn’t even recognize her in pictures from my wedding. Their relationship very quickly progressed and soon they were talking about marriage. They were married not even a year after dating and she was still not “healthy”, at least in our eyes. Soon after she slowly starting cutting communication with us.
Now my sister was always well liked. Throughout our lives it was just known that she was the sweet, likable one. It never bothered me. I considered myself more of the funny one, not sure how true that is or not. 🙂 Anyways, after I got married and began her dramatic weight loss, she stopped talking to most of her friends. Ones that new her before, when she was healthy. She had done this before in middle school and high school, but we always assumed it was just her way of finding her group of friends that she really fit in with. We shared a lot of the same friends in college. I sat on the phone several times listening to them cry about how hurt they were and how they were concerned about her. I tried to assure them that she was just going through a hard time and that it would eventually work out.
Well we weren’t ready for the tidal wave coming next.
After she got married, she started to turn on us. We were the last people from her “previous life” left. She started with me and started being mean and rude and barely calling. I would call my mom so upset about how she had treated me. I had defended her to other people and here she was doing the same to me. Next, she turned on my parents. She blamed everything on them, saying they were controlling and liked me and my husband better. She told her husband and his family lies about how we mistreated her and that we were bad people. She had made sure we never got to know him well, so he wouldn’t know any different. I hated when I would call my mom and could tell she had been crying because my sister had hurt her.
We never imagined this would be our life. Without her. But it is. We done a lot of assessing of the situation and have determined that she must have a mental condition of some sort. Now, don’t think we just throw this around. We have done a lot of research and it seems as though she has a condition called borderline personality disorder. Now, we aren’t psychologists or anything, but we know my sister and know that something isn’t normal with her. After looking back, we see that there were signs growing up. She had an irrational fear of my mom dying when she was 4! She had a horrible temper and her emotions were a rollercoaster. Constantly cutting off relationships for no reason.
Now she is expecting her first child, and although this is normally a joyous time in a family, it is a very sad time. It one, confirms that she really wants nothing to do with us as she never contacted to tell us she was expecting. Secondly, there will be a child out there that we won’t be able to love and spoil and kiss and hug. This second part is heartbreaking.
Would we love to have my sister back in our lives? Well that isn’t as easily answered as you may think. She needs help, real help. We need to know how to talk to her and interact with her. Would we have done things differently in the past. Absolutely!! We never knew it was this serious and would have sought professional help for all of us.
Sorry this is so long. I totally understand if no one wants to read this, but it has been weighing on my heart. A little baby could be being born, already born or still waiting to be born. We don’t know. Never take a day for granted with the ones you love and love them the best you can!

Here are some pictures I have of my sister and I throughout the years. Some are scanned in and not the best quality of course. But we obviously loved each other. Just wish I had some recent ones, especially with her and my son.
dana and kacie

d & k easter_0003

d & k halloween

d & k with daddy


15 thoughts on “The Elephant in the Room | Personal

  1. You are amazingly strong to be able to put this into words and out there for others to read. I hope you will find answers and be able to help your sister. I can’t imagine the pain you all must be in. God bless you and give you strength and courage!

  2. Dana, I read this and cried to know how blessed I am. I am sorry for your ache and wish there was someway to help you cope. We can not always able to control what goes on in our lives nor are we meant to. I have seen karma work to often and there is a reason for everything. One day you will know why this journey was necessary. Until then learn everything you can about this disorder. Be ready for the day that she comes back, because she will. Reach out when your niece/nephew is born accepting the rejection before it happens. Guard your heart but keep it open.

    • Thank you Stephanie. It is hard sometimes to count our blessings, but that’s what we do to get through this. We are blessed with what we have and we can’t spend every day sad over what we cannot control. Thank you again for your kind words! 🙂

  3. I am so sorry that your family is experiencing this ordeal. I can not imagine what you all are going through or have been through but I know that your posting this is like praying out loud and your prayers will be honored. ❤ I will pray for a healing of all kinds for your sister and her relationship with you all and also for you and your family who wait for her to make the first move toward healing and reconcilliation. My heart and prayers are for you today. ❤

  4. Dana, how very brave of you, to express your feelings and what you are going through. Praying this verses over you today. Psalms 147: 3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. Praying you will feel God’s presence, praying for a restored relationship between your sister and your family, praying for complete healing and help for your sister as well. Love you!

  5. You are definitely the funny one, but you both were always beautiful and likable as well. I like being the funny one. 🙂
    This tore my heart out this morning, namely because I know how much it took for you to put it out there. I wish I had some magic words or suggestions to “fix” this but there is no easy fix. I have done a lot of research on BPD but research doesn’t help or fix this. It doesn’t really give any of us the answers and it sure doesn’t erase the pain. We are all sad and hurt and angry but our feelings don’t hold a candle to everything you and your parents have been through. By the time anyone realized what was going on, it was essentially ‘too late’. She had already made her decisions and her choices. I think if we had known, we would have all handled things differently.

    While I know it’s not the same, please remember that we are here anytime. Whether you need someone to listen, just to vent, anything. Like the movie ‘The Replacements’, we will survive. I’ll do the dance if you think it will help.

    • Thank you so much Candi for all of your support and prayers. I am so thankful to have you and Kira up here in VA now! I know you guys understand somewhat what we are going through. Just wish we could hit rewind sometimes. Thank you again for everything you do and for being here. And, I would love to see you do the “the dance”! 🙂

  6. Hey Dana! So I am not sure if you have read my blog or not, but I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 7 years…well probably longer than that but 7 years ago was when it got really bad..I have been in your sister’s shoes, and you need to know something. This has NOTHING to do with you, your parents, or anyone else. Her disease is her family, her friend, her BEST friend!! This is the first thing she thinks about in the morning and the last thing she thinks about when she lays her head down to sleep. I got to the point where all I wanted to do was be alone with my disease, but it understood me, loved me, wanted me, and accepted me. NOT that you don’t feel that way about your sister, because I can tell how much you love her. BUT she is sick, and her disease is blinding her!!! I hope that you reach out to her, even though it is horribly scary. You fear that you will be hurt again..but maybe that is what she needs. Sisters ALWAYS need each other, especially in their darkest hours!!
    My sister and I went through a horrible time, and I am so happy that we got back on track. If you ever need to talk you know how to find me!! ❤

  7. Heart breaking post. Your photos at the end were so sweet and loving, like you said…brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry things turned out this way for your family. I hope she realizes once and for all that she is not well and needs help. Thank goodness for you guys….she’s a lucky gal, having you looking out for her.

  8. Dana, you know how much I love and care for you and your beautiful family, your mom and dad, and Kacie and Ben. Your mom told me about your post and I am so glad you wrote this AND put it out there in a public place. Who knows how it may find its way to Kacie at just the right moment for her to shift her perspective, even just a tiny bit. And who knows how it may be of great help to a secret hurting person who will be comforted that they are not alone in their own personal family sorrow. God bless and sustain you all day by day. Love, Linda S.

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